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Limerence
The biggest reason I decided to start an online journal was so that I could have a place to metaphorically 'spill my guts'. So here I am.
I can count on one had the number of guys I've liked. Four. In my, nearing, two decades of life, I have only liked four guys. Even then, I have only loved one of them.
On the very first day of my 7th grade year, I met Julio.
The very last time I saw Julio was on our graduation day, just a little over a year ago. I didn't speak to him and I didn't say goodbye, all I did was watch him cross the stage before me. He awkwardly smiled as he received his diploma, and took an equally as awkward picture with our principal. And that was it, that was my final glimpse of him ever.
My friends ask me all the time why I am still thinking about him, even though the last year of high school we basically had no contact at all, and to be honest, I don't know why. I wish I could say I wanted erase him from my memories, after all he basically shattered my heart, but I can't. Because erasing him erases the only person who was ever noticed me, noticed my presence and my absences.
He texted Gama,"Tell her I miss her." This was during the pandemic/winter freeze in Texas, so around three years ago. I so badly wish I could go back in time, so I can tell him that I missed him too. I don't understand why I told Gama not to give him my number when he asked for it, I guess I was just scared. Of what? I don't know, maybe of the overwhelming feeling of love.
He's currently in a relationship with the same girl he was dating Junior through Senior year. I assume she was the reason he stopped talking to me, because we were very close right before they started dating. They broke up before they both went off to college, and then suddenly got back together again, I suppose to give a long distance relationship a shot. Which makes me sad, because that means that he missed her so much that he is willing to date someone half way across the country. He probably missed her more than he's ever missed.
All that aside, while they were broken up, sometime in February, I was up late at night on my phone (mindlessly scrolling through Twitter) when all of a sudden his name suddenly popped up. He was calling me? But his name vanished as quickly as it appeared. It appears he called and then immediately hung up, or (according to Damaris) butt dialed me.
I was a fucking wreck the rest of the night. It took every bone in my body not to call him, text him, ask him why he called. Was it an accident? A dare? Butt dial? My body shook, desperate to know what was going on inside his head. Did he miss me? Did he miss me just like he missed me back then?
I don't know. I probably won't ever know.
But at least I can live with the fact that, even if it the call was a mistake, I crossed his mind. I imagine him cursing to himself as he hung up the phone praying that the call didn't go through. But it did go through Julio, I got your call.
I can count on one had the number of guys I've liked. Four. In my, nearing, two decades of life, I have only liked four guys. Even then, I have only loved one of them.
On the very first day of my 7th grade year, I met Julio.
The very last time I saw Julio was on our graduation day, just a little over a year ago. I didn't speak to him and I didn't say goodbye, all I did was watch him cross the stage before me. He awkwardly smiled as he received his diploma, and took an equally as awkward picture with our principal. And that was it, that was my final glimpse of him ever.
My friends ask me all the time why I am still thinking about him, even though the last year of high school we basically had no contact at all, and to be honest, I don't know why. I wish I could say I wanted erase him from my memories, after all he basically shattered my heart, but I can't. Because erasing him erases the only person who was ever noticed me, noticed my presence and my absences.
He texted Gama,"Tell her I miss her." This was during the pandemic/winter freeze in Texas, so around three years ago. I so badly wish I could go back in time, so I can tell him that I missed him too. I don't understand why I told Gama not to give him my number when he asked for it, I guess I was just scared. Of what? I don't know, maybe of the overwhelming feeling of love.
He's currently in a relationship with the same girl he was dating Junior through Senior year. I assume she was the reason he stopped talking to me, because we were very close right before they started dating. They broke up before they both went off to college, and then suddenly got back together again, I suppose to give a long distance relationship a shot. Which makes me sad, because that means that he missed her so much that he is willing to date someone half way across the country. He probably missed her more than he's ever missed.
All that aside, while they were broken up, sometime in February, I was up late at night on my phone (mindlessly scrolling through Twitter) when all of a sudden his name suddenly popped up. He was calling me? But his name vanished as quickly as it appeared. It appears he called and then immediately hung up, or (according to Damaris) butt dialed me.
I was a fucking wreck the rest of the night. It took every bone in my body not to call him, text him, ask him why he called. Was it an accident? A dare? Butt dial? My body shook, desperate to know what was going on inside his head. Did he miss me? Did he miss me just like he missed me back then?
I don't know. I probably won't ever know.
But at least I can live with the fact that, even if it the call was a mistake, I crossed his mind. I imagine him cursing to himself as he hung up the phone praying that the call didn't go through. But it did go through Julio, I got your call.