leria

Remember sci-fi guy?

Yeah... He has a girlfriend.

I honestly thank the heavens that I found his Instagram before I messaged him on GroupMe, I would not have been able to handle that rejection.

But how did I finally find his account after searching for literal months? I have <\insert school affiliated name\>Link to thank (basically my university's version of LinkedIn). I was updating my account, when I got the sudden idea to search him up, and he popped up! Clearly, it looked like his account hadn't been touched since freshman year, but he had (luckily) added orgs he was involved in.

Just one quick insta search of those orgs, and I found him tagged in several posts.

And then my hear sank when I clicked on his profile! His girlfriend is beautiful though, and she also goes to the same university. And they're high school sweethearts, so I doubt they're breaking up anytime soon.

Oh well. Life moves on, I guess.

Never mind you guys, I'm not sad anymore!!!

It's officially my birthday, and everyone I love has congratulated me at midnight. I no longer want to fling myself off a rooftop. :))n

I didn't get an A-, sadly, I ended up with a B+.

I'm not that sad about it. When I fully contextualize it, just two weeks ago I was failing Calc 2. Somehow I got an 84 on my third midterm, and then an 90 on the final. I jumped two whole letter grades! So that I something to be proud of. :)

I'm just glad I don't have to see another integral in my life!!

how lonely I feel. I've been so caught up with work and school that I completely forgot I'm so lonely. Damaris called me to complain about her new situationship, hope all goes well for her on that end, but I asked her when she was coming back to Austin to hang out. She said probably not until Christmas.

I mean I don't blame her. She has her own apartment, roommates, and friends over there. And Gamma has to stay and work to cover rent, so he's not coming back until Christmas too.

I guess I just feel left behind. I still live at home and never moved away for college, and still haven't managed to make any friends on campus. I wish I somebody, anybody. I have Yahira, but sometimes it feels like maybe she doesn't want to cross a line with me, can't really explain it very well.

Maybe I'm just especially sad because Damaris texted me planning exactly what we were going to do when she comes back, and I guess I just thought she was coming back really soon. I got my hopes up. Oh well, gonna have to stop crying so I can focus on studying :/.

So the worst possible thing that a could have happened.... Happened.

I went to bed around 11 pm because I was having a literal breakdown over not being able to write. I woke up at 3 in the morning with this sinking feeling in my stomach, and when I opened twitter I saw it. The next president of the United States wasn't going to be Kamala Harris.

Honestly, I really didn't think I was going to cry. After all, I'm not 12 anymore. That's how old I was when he was first elected. But when I saw the news that 60% of latinos voted for him, I began to cry, and even harder when I found out just how many of my family members voted for him. I'm not trying to say that Kamala Harris was the best option we had, but a vote isn't a reflection of your moral standpoint on things such as the genocide in Palestine, it's a call to action. Whether it be a minuscule edge towards peace, and I saw that in her presidency.

Don't even get me started on the tariffs/tax cuts (Econ nerd here) misinformation going on, but I am so greatly disappointed in my community.

Again, Harris fumbled quite a bit on her campaign, but I honestly believe that most Latino voters were guided by their machismo. Our culture is literally baked in racism and machismo. I have members of my own family constantly asking my mom and dad whether I've dropped out already. Despite them knowing I graduated high school as the VALEDICTORIAN, and I have a well documented history of my academic achievements via my mom's Facebook that I KNOW those chismos look at.

My mom tried comforting me, but honestly I feel like my family let her down.

I'm proud to be Mexican-American, but I'm tired of broke, uneducated, misogynistic Latino men in my life praying on my downfall.

Just watch and see how I succeed.

I haven't made a single post in a very long time!!! It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that college makes me so sad (but not in a sad way, more like in a lazy way). I don't really enjoy any of the things I usually enjoy because my brain is all like "YOU SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT" even if I don't have anything important to do. Anywhooo.

Interesting updates, a week or three ago, Julio followed me on Instagram! I woke up in the morning to a shit ton of notifications from Instagram (damn you group chats) and his follow request was right in the midst of all of messages. I did like four double takes!! This can't be real?? Oh but it is! But it's not like he posts or anything. Lame. What's the point of even having an instagram then? Oh well, at least he follows me.

On another note, there's this one guy in one of my writing classes that is just my type. Writing classes are typically very small at my university. I think we have a total of 20 students, which is a huge jump in contrast between last semester's macro class of 500 people.We all sit at his long rounded table, and he sits just across from me. I haven't actually talked to him though. Once we were in a discussion group together, and we talked but not directly to each other. Today when class ended, we ended up on the same elevator. It was kinda awkward.... I honestly really wanted to say something, but I couldn't find the guts to speak up. I already told Yahira that I REALLY want to ask him for his Instagram before the semester is over and I never see him again. The thing is I'm like deathly afraid of rejection. What if I ask him and he's like," I have a girlfriend!" Or even worse, he doesn't and he just doesn't want to talk to me!!! I really need to grow some balls, because the semester ends next month and my professor for that class isn't going to hold class after Thanksgiving break so we don't have much time! Or maybe a miracle will happen and he asks me out..... Yeah, doubt that.

A lot of things happened during my break from journaling on here but I'm a bit too lazy to write it all down/I've low-key forgotten about them. Guess I'll journal about them if they matter to current matters.

I hung out with Gama and Damaris (again), for the last time this summer.

We were supposed to go with Mora, but he stopped answering. He was reading all of our messages but he didn't text back when I asked him again if he still wanted to hang out today. I"m more than a little worried about him, he was basically dropped form the main friend group earlier this summer, but me and Damaris thought that we should at least hang out with him one last time since he technically did nothing wrong.

If you're wondering what he did, Gama has a serious issue with his drug use (not that I necessarily care as long as he's sober when driving me around), Paula has an issue with him liking her, and everyone else just doesn't like having out with him because of the awkwardness.

You can't really help who you like, and he is one of the only people who doesn't judge on the whole Julio thing, and Damaris is just a nice person so we wanted to hang out with him. But we still had a lot of fun, even without him.

I had to pick up Gama from his house since he lived a bit far away from any bus stop, and when we got to my house we walked to the bus stop and rode it to Pluckers. The three of us ate in silence, and I'm mentioning this because I feel like eating in silence and being okay with it is the best indication of how comfortable you are with people.

We then rode another bus to the park, and bought some ice cream and hung out until the sun set. We didn't talk about much, but we also talked about everything.

I'm really going to miss them while they're gone, but they're back like almost every weekend.

Weirdly enough, I don't feel all that sad about them leaving back to San Antonio. Last year, I was a mess. You couldn't stop me from crying all day and night, but I glad I'm not sad anymore. I feel really secure in my friendships, there is nothing that can really tear us a part.

Actually.... Talking about tearing us a part. At Pluckers, the topic of cheating came up, and Gama said that if Damaris or I ever cheated on our boyfriends (which we don't have) he would cut contact with us. What??? I had no idea he had such a strong moral standing when it came to cheating. Or maybe me and Damaris are just bad people because I would not give a single fuck if Damaris ever cheated on someone, and she feels the same way. Like, yes she cheated, people make mistakes!!! "You're acting like we're cheating on you!" Damaris yelled, and Gama just stood his ground while calling us heathens.

Whatever, not like I have a boyfriend to cheat on. And I would never cheat, I just want to know that friends would still be friends with me if I did. Now I know Gama wouldn't.

It's been a couple of days since Zadea's party. I needed time to recover from that day.

We went to a Brazilian steakhouse called Fogo De Chao. It was actually a really good resturarant, even though I was a bit put off by the price tag being 70 bucks (it was an all-you-can-eat). I ended up paying with my mom's card, I feel a bit guilty about it though. She told me not to worry about it.

There were some comments made at the restaurant that almost ruined my night. Paula has been the main even organizer, she plans birthdays and hangout events, and she said that after today she was done planning anything for anyone. And I made a comment along the lines of," But what about my birthday?" I said it kind of jokingly, but I was still kind of sad that she didn't want to plan it. I will say, she planned my birthday last year, but I think the thing that made me sad was that, this year, we didn't celebrate my birthday. No one really said, let's hang out but I didn't blame anyone because it was our first year at college so I figured that there was really no point in hanging out. Anyways, it dulled my mood.

Me and Damaris were born right after each other. Her birthday is Jan 24th and mine is on the 25th, I mention this because she mentioned her birthday and Gama said," I'll plan it for you."

That got me even more sad, when I said what about me he said he wouldn't plan my birthday only Damaris'. I know he was probably joking, but I couldn't really help but want to cry. I started crying in the car ride back to Zadea's apartment. No one saw me though, that was a relief.

I was so close to telling everyone that I just wanted to go home, because I really didn't think I saw going to stop crying. I managed to pull it together, and wiped my tears away once we got to Zadea's.

That's when Damaris said,"Vale what if I plan our birthdays, and all you have to do it come to San Antonio." I really love Damaris. It's funny, I love all of my friends, but I think Damaris really is the only person in this world that I would die for (besides my mom). That really put me in a good mood. She doesn't know that I was feeling sad, but if it weren't for her I'd probably be at home crying instead of having out with them that night.

Anyways, moving on from my pity party.

Paula went downstairs to get the scary drugs she was buying for tonight, and Damaris invited over her brother (Lorenzo) because he was going to take us to Mala. When Paula got back, she handed my and Zadea each one, what she liked to call, goom. "I thought we were taking this after clubbing?" I was basically on the verge of tears again. I don't do well with drugs, I can drink alcohol, but not drugs.

She basically called me a pussy with that look of hers, so I took it. I was kind of starting to freak out, I was pacing back and forth, and Paula and Zadea kept saying that I was freaking them out because I was freaking out. Like, Okay? Don't look at me them!!!

When we got in the car, I realized that Lorenzo's car just wast big enough to fit six of us!! It was a pick up truck for god's sake!! I was the first one in, and I just started word vomiting because of the goom. "I don't think so, I don't know." Were like the only things I could manage to say. Damaris was just telling me to calm down, and Paula and Zadea were asking me if I was really okay, and before I could respond Damaris yelled," She's fine! Get in the car!" That kind of shut me up. She was definitely not willing to let me behind.

Because there were six of us. Me, Damaris, Paula, and Zadea had to squish together in the back, and Karen (Paula's friend) had to lay horizontally on us. And Ashely was up at the front living her best life because she's claustrophobic.

If you're wondering how I was on the goom, you could say that I couldn't really shut up. I also feel like it kind of gave me a temporary narcissistic personality disorder. What I mean by this is that I felt like anytime someone opened their mouth, I thought they were talking to me. And anytime someone laughed I thought they were laughing at what I was saying. Long story short, I thought I was the shit.

From the Zadea's house to the club, the drive was around 30 minutes. Half way there, Paula realized she forgot her phone, and in her phone case was her I.D. We turned around, and not even five minutes later, she found her phone in the car. But her I.D wasn't there. In the moment, I thought her I.D was at Zadea's, but turns out it was at her house. She told Lorenzo' not to turn around, even though he offered to take us to her house to get the I.D.

When we get there, we waited in line behind a bunch of drunk, old guys. Like don't you have a job to clock into tomorrow?

I remember holding my card in I.D in both of my hands, and every time I looked down I would have a tiny heart attack because I though I lost one, don't worry it was just behind the other card. I tried try best to look sober to the severity guard, and I guess he thought I was because he let me in. Paula, Damaris and Lorenzo were behind me and they had stopped to wait for Paula to be hopefully let in, because of her missing I.D.

I remember I was holding my card up to the card reader as I was looking back at them. I was waiting for Paula to get the okay from the bouncer, but I didn't want to hold up the line so I ended up paying. I met Paula, Zadea, Ashley and Karen inside. Then Lorenzo came in to get us because the bouncer decided not to let Paula inside. And I was not that mad, because I don't really like clubbing in the first place, but I was kind of mad because I ended up paying 20 bucks and didn't even get to party a little bit.

We headed back home, and I don't think I would have minded all that much, but Paula decided to just leave Zadea's for around two hours to go meet up with Adrian. And when she turned back up, she was sad! Girl, don't piss me off. But whatever, I still love her.

There's not much to say after this, we just stayed up until 7 in the morning! And I really regretted it because I was so tired the next day.

We plan on going again Labor Day weekend. Hopefully I am able to recover by then.

Side note: Lorenzo has to be the nicest guy on the face of the Earth, after what happened that night. He agreed to chaperone six girls, half of them who were on gooms (me included), offered to turn around multiple times to get Paula's I.D, bought us alcohol and didn't ask to be paid back, wasn't mad that we couldn't get in to Mala, he even comforted Paula trying to make her feel better, and even asked us when was the next time we were going to go to Mala again so he can tag along. Like Damaris kind of hit the jackpot when it comes to brother's. I hate both of mine.

Woke up this morning to a text from Damaris that she wanted to tag along with me, Zadea and Paula to the mall.

I was a bit pissed off. Don't get me wrong, I love Damaris, she's my best friend, but I kind of just wanted to hang out with Paula and Zadea. The three of us when to high school together, and I guess I just wanted to reconnect the same way we used to back then. Besides it kind of feels like Damaris is a part of my whole life.

By that I mean that she's a part of almost every friend group I have. Now, that wouldn't bother me all that much if I was a part of every friend group she had. But she's made it clear on multiple occasions that she doesn't like when her friend groups interact, so I feel like there's a part of her life that I'm not privy to. While on the other hand, she is able to connect to every person I have a connection to as well.

I don't know, I guess I just wanted to have this one time with Paula and Zadea to myself.

But it wasn't that big of a deal, I guess.

When Paula picked me up from my house, she was talking about how she was really sad that me, Damaris, and Gama weren't going to the club with them. Which in turn, made me sad. So I caved in, and told her that I could make it, I just had to ask my dad for permission. And boy did she have a field that with that.

When I told Paula this, it felt like Damaris instantly changed her mind about not wanting to go. That kind of made me mad, just because she was the one who initially told me that she didn't want to go to the club or sleepover. But the more the merrier, I'm not that mad anymore.

Anyways, at the mall I found a white dress on sale for $7.00!! So I had to buy it, even though I'm not completely in love with it. It was too cheap to turn down.

We all found things to wear actually, after the mall we went thrifting. Everyone kind of peer pressured me into getting this one black crop top to maybe weal to Mala, and they also wanted me to wear a skirt. Absolutely not, the crop top was pushing it. I bought it begrudgingly. Paula also was kind enough to buy me a pair of white heels. Love her for that.

Afterwards, we went to eat at Cane's and that's when Paula mentioned that she was bringing THC (pens? idk) and psychedelic gummies to the sleepover. I don't know exactly how to feel about that. But I'm sure she'll fin dit easy to convince me once I've had 5 Twisted Teas in me. Zadea sounded like she was trying to convince herself, when she was explaining that the gummies "aren't actually that bad". And Damaris has chosen to stay sober, or well that's what she says. She's just like me, we cave a little too easily.

When I got home, I explained to my dad that I wanted to stay the night after the dinner,"I don't know. That's too much."

Too much what?? To much to ask for? He usually doesn't deny me anything, but my mom says I asked him at a bad time. He was already in bed half asleep. I'm hoping that tomorrow he'll change his mind. I really do, because I already bought a shirt for Mala. I really hope I didn't spend 13 dollars for nothing.

I woke up early this morning in order to get ready for my outing with Damaris and Gama. Gama as per usual woke up late. We were literally blowing up his phone, until he woke up.

We made it to Barton at around 1pm. Damaris' brother, Lorenzo was kind enough to drop and pick us up afterwords. I used to be really awkward around both of her brothers, but they're actually really nice. When I'm around them and Damaris I get a glimpse of what life could be with siblings. Which is a funny statement, given the fact that I have three sisters and two brothers, but I don't particularly feel all that connected to any of them. Don't want to get too carried away with that story right now.

When we go there, we headed to Chick-Fila immediately since we were starving. Afterwards, me and Damaris just perused around the mall. We visited Pink and Victoria's Secret and browse all the panties and bras they had. I'm not all that keen on buying my underwear from these places just because everything is so expensive, and quite frankly, the material is very flimsy, but we did find some cute things. We even found a thong with an embroider patch of two ketchup and mustard bottles. It looked that it was the last pair, but we found two pairs. Damaris was adamant that we get them, and I caved because it's kind of funny having matching thongs with your best friend. I probably will have to hide it from my mom, or maybe not. She can be wishy-washy about what she deems taboo. Gama went to J.C Penney with his mom and sister; he later joined us outside of Pink.

It was a lot of fun, we went to lots of stores. And we funnily ran into every member of Damaris family. I swear she had a cousin working at every department store.

I was looking for a semi-formal white dress to wear to Zadea's part on Saturday, and I did find some cute ones at Forever 21 (Gama even offered to chip in to buy me one) but I didn't end up getting any. Instead I think I'm wearing a white, short sleeved shirt that I already own. Hopefully on Monday I am lucky enough to find a cute white skirt at the thrift store with my mom.

While we were at a store, Lorena texted me asking for an update on the 30 dollars form yesterday. As I was leaving the house earlier, my dad gave me the money and I told her that we I got home I would deposited and then Zelle it to her. She agreed. I'm surprised she still wanted the money, I guess that means she must really need it.

After looking around at a couple other stores, we were picked up by Damaris' brothers and were taken home.

When I go home I asked my mom to take me to the bank, and I was finally able to transfer Lorena the money.

Just a couple minutes ago, dad was telling me and my mom that he had called Moses asking him what he was doing. Moses told him that he and Angel were at Kyle helping move Lorena's things.

My dad and Moses aren't really great communicators, due to the fact that dad speaks very broken English and Moses speaks broken Spanish. My mom and dad think that Moses was telling him that him and Angel were helping Lorena move her stuff from her apartment back into Jess's house. But I have a small feeling that they were just helping her move some stuff she bought to her apartment, given the fact that she just barely moved in and still needed some more stuff.

I don't entirely disregard what my mom and dad think just because of the whole 30 dollars situation. Do you really need 30 dollars that bad that you would wait nearly a whole day for them?

I'm not sure what to believe right now, but it would be a bit disappointing if Lorena was moving out already. It's not like she wasn't warned. Why would you decide to move it with a girl who just graduated high school, while not having a stable job (she lost another job a couple weeks back), and you cannot keep up with your terrible spending habits?


Hopefully she learns her lesson.

Going to go order some shoes now, or maybe not. I feel a bit guilty spending my dad's money, even though he gave me permission. He just barely got another job and hasn't been paid yet. Maybe I should wait until his first paycheck.